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Furrtil
May 23rd, 2004, 03:24 PM
Er... forgive me if I got the title of your story wrong...

As it is just a prequel, there is not much to comment on plot-wise; I would like to say that using an eagle as a main character does not follow exactly the Redwall universe, but as fanfiction, that is permissable. :) And also the fact that your antagonist is an opposum (sp?).

Your story has a good start plotwise, so I'll just mention nit-picky grammatical things that no author likes to hear. :P

First off, your sentences are nicely constructed, but very long. Try to use more periods; do not go for fancy punctuation over readability. You seem to have a habit that used to be an old habit of mine: you aer comma happy, and tend to use commas when they are not necessary. This bogs down the flow of writing, which is a pity because it's so good.

Your eagle's speech seems to be lacking something, although that depends on what type of character you want your eagle to be. He seems very officious, courtly, not given to emotion. I am not sure what you intend for the character, so I'll just point out that he doesn't appear to have much emotion.

Also, you use the world humble a bit awkwardly, and you use it to describe the same hedgehogs in descriptions close to eachother.

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You seem like a very polite mature person/writer, so that's why I critiqued your story like this. You haven't been on the forums much, but I have gotten the impression that you would welcome constructive criticism and whatnot. :) It was not my intent to pick it apart, so please don't get offended.

Cheesethief
May 23rd, 2004, 03:30 PM
evil furtill!

i just thought: its a prologue not a prequel.

Kediassa
May 23rd, 2004, 05:46 PM
Who said the eagle was the main character? And as for me being comma happy is not my fault, really. I have a word document that tells me when my grammer is wrong. It usually 'adds' commas. And for the word humble - I'll get to that later. Thank you very much for the advice, but I'm fine where I am right now.

And uh, Cheesethief, thanks for reminding me.