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View Full Version : The Cursed's Guide to Free Stuff



Cale Yin
November 24th, 2002, 09:31 PM
I'm not cursed. My mommy is. So here is the person-who-is-blessed-with-a-curse's guide to getting big free things. (Don't take this seriously, and all these things have happened to my family.)

I. Your Free Space
a. You get one free bit, without having to go through any trouble.
1. Enter a Toys R Us contest to win a trip to Disney World.
2. Win. There you go. Free trip to Disney World.
II. And It Starts
a. Marry someone. Buy a house. Have a child. Decide that your present house is too small for the three of you.
b. Buy a bigger house that you will live in for approximately 17 years.
c. Don't replace your water heater. At all. Ever.
d. Get good insurance that covers water heaters.
e. Arrive home innocently one day afer you have lived in your house for 14.5 years, only to discover three inches of water on your entire downstairs floor. Panic.
f. Search for the source as water continues to gush from the hall coat closet. Open the door to the hall coat closet. Get sprayed in the face with a quite powerful stream of water.
g. Call everyone you know to see if they can tell you how to turn it off! TURN IT OFF!!! AAAAAAAAAHH!!!
h. You will not have any water at all for three days or so. Send your children to their friends' houses for showers. As for you... You'll just have to try to wash in the sinks at McDonald's, or something.
i. Begin a long complicated process of something to do with your (good) insurance company so that they will reimburse you for the damage. The damage will have been: Everything in the coat closet. The entire floor of the downstairs. The water heater. Your sanity.
j. The insurance company will pay for your floors to be redone (ripped up completely in one room, but the rest will just have to be sanded down and refinished).
1. This will take nine or ten days. Get the insurance company to pay for your family to stay in a hotel for this time. They will also have to pay for your food.
2. Here's where the freeness comes in- Free 9-day expensive hotel stay. Free semi-expensive dinners every night( As in, $40 to $60.). Free use of the exercise room and the swimming pool at the hotel. Free floor-redo-ment. Worth a couple thousand. (Poor insurance company.)
k. A. Now, the hotel will have some loud teenagers who will scare you, being the protective mother that you are. Call the front desk and complain. The police will come and kick them out.
k. B. The fridge in the hotel room will be dysfunctional. Call and complain again. You will be moved to a different room. For all this inconvenience, the manager will give you a coupon for a couple free nights some other time in this same chain of hotels. And there you are-- more free hotel stays.
III. Restaurants
a. Longhorn Steakhouse
1. Have a bunch of relatives over. Go out ot eat at Longhorn Steakhouse. Your party of 15 or so will be too many people to fit conveniently, so the employees will seat every other party hat arrives after you for two hours. Yes, you will have to wait two hours just to be seated.
2. Have the entire party complain to the manager that you had to wiat two hours to be seated. He will give you your meal free. All 15 people can eat whatever they want now, becuase it's free.
b. Rio Bravo
1. Go eat at Rio Bravo. They will charge another person's meal to your credit card, which is a very stupid thing to do. Rio Bravo's manager will not charge either you or the other person a thing for the meal. (Your immediate family will be with you.) Free Rio Bravo meal. And they will also give you a Buy One Get One Free coupon for your next visit.
2. A. Go to Rio Bravo again. Get a Hispanic-Frat-Boy-Dork-Waiter. This will be after you have had huge back problems, and it will hurt to do anything suddenly. The waiter will drop ice-cold sweet sticky tea all over your back, and it will get all over your purse, wallet, coat, shirt, and pants. You will jump up suddenly because ice was just spilled down the back of your shirt, along with an entire glass of iced tea. This will hurt. The waiter will not once say the word "Sorry." It appears that he did it on purpose, because he was almost laughing. He gets 3 paper napkins for you and dries the chair off with them. You move to the table next to it. You take your two daughters to the bathroom to try to dry off your shirt and your dignity. You don't know if you can face having to walk out there again with your soaking shirt, so your lovely kind oldest daughter (ME!!) will lend you her jacket. You gloat that you are 42 and can fit into your 16-year-old-5'1"-daughter's jacket.
2. B. Go back to your table. You will be moved to a different table with a different waiter, who is a nice lady. Your daughters hear your husband say a swear word for the first time because he is so mad at the stupid fratboy waiter. You complain for 15 minutes (in a very mature way) to the manager. You demand that your purse and wallet be replaced, and that there be no charge for the meal. Free meal at Rio Bravo's again. Only, don't give her that buy-one-get-one-free coupon because it will have been wasted. (We did that. Oh well.) You wonder if they remember you as a trouble maker from last time.
IV. Assign Internet Sample-Getters
a. Your oldest daughter (again, ME!!) is a freebie queen and will get a really big roll of photo paper free, a couple tubes of lipstick free, and package of other kinds of photo paper free, a bottle of chip-resistant nail polish free, a sample of Nair free, and a lot of Head and Shoulders samples and Herbal Essences shampoo samples free. She might share and she might not.
b. The younger daughter will want free things too. She only gets a small bag of jelly beans, though.
V. Technology and Relatives
a. Your husband will be in IT computer stuff, and will work for a bank. His job requires that he be on the Internet. His bank will give him a large discount on a good Internet connection. You will only have to pay $15 a month ofr cable instead of $25 for it, or previously $60 for DSL.
b. A. You mother-in-law will have inherited all of her husband's money. That whole side of the family is rich. But your husband is unfortunately not. So you mother-in-law buys you a DVD player for Christmas. Free DVD player.
b. B. You can also get a free DVD player by being a male teenager and going to the prom, and thus win a DVD player.
VI. The end.



I hope this wasn't entirely pointless. It took way too long to be pointless. If it is, then I'd like to tell everyone to watch Friends, Scrubs, and Will & Grace, the three funniest shows on TV.