View Full Version : The Council of Badgerlords

August 12th, 2004, 08:05 PM
Prepare for pure sillyness at Redwall's expense. If you wish to burn me at the stake for this blashemy I doth type, the wait is pretty long.
I've been working on this for well over a year. No end is in sight.

Scene 1: A room in Salamandastron

Stonepaw: I have called you all here today to speak of the future of Salamandastron...*slumps down on chair*
Sunflash: What's up with him? *Prods Stonepaw with mace*
Cregga: Hold on a sec...Let me check his pulse, as soon as I get a...*reaches for cookie plate*Urthstripe, did you take the last cookie again? *Eyes grow red*
Urthsripe: *licks lips* Yeah...delicious...the cook did a good job...
Cregga: Grr...! *Picks up halberd and stands out* you scum! I'll shisckabob you!

Scene 2: Outside the chamber

Whipscutt: *on guard duty* Eh, m'lad, I jolly wonder what's going on in there? *Crashing sounds, screams, and movement are heard through the oak door*
Clary: *also on guard duty* Dunno, m'lad...*presses ear to door*
Whipscutt: *Impatiently* Well? What is it?
Clary: Just Cregga going bonkers again, doncha know...*listens closer*
*Door opens*
Boar: *appears at door* *roaring* Clary! Whipscutt! What are you two doing?
Whipscutt: Err...
Boar: Forty lashes! The pair of you!
Clary: Haha! The humane society says you can't bally do that anymore!
Boar: Ah, crud. I forgot about that blasted humane society...hmmm...you're both on KP duty.
Clary: Oh, why bally thank you, sah!
*Clary and Whipscutt run off to the kitchens whooping joyfully and in a most undignified manner*
Orlando: *Taps Boar on the shoulder* You idiot! They're hares! Don’t put them on KP as a punishment!
Boar: Why not...oh yeah...crud.

Scene 3: Back inside the council chamber

*Cregga has emerged victorious in the fight, and has Urthstripe down on the floor*
Cregga: *Angrily* Make me some cookies or die!
Urthstripe: Err...ok…would you like some blueberry cookies?
Cregga: *Presses halberd to Urthstripe’s throat* You know I hate blueberries!
Urthstripe: Uh…oops…I didn’t
*Cregga’s eyes grow redder*
Urthstripe: Where’s the Long Patrol when you need them?
Boar: They’re on KP duty
Urthstripe: Can I make you your cookies later?
Cregga: *eyes grow even redder* No! Now!
Orlando: Let’s get out of here!
*The badgerlords besides Stonepaw, who is dead, Cregga, and Urthstripe file out the door and lock it*

Scene 4: In the hallways outside the chamber

Sunflash: Let’s go up to the Secret Chamber
Brocktree: Nah! I’m sick of seeing my corpse. It’s really spooky
Sunflash: I’ll have to agree
Hightor: Well, the only way to get this fan-fic interesting, would be to take council in the kitchen…
Orlando: I don’t think that’s…
Sunflash: *interrupts Orlando* Good idea! Let’s go
*Badgerlords walk down to the kitchens*

Scene 5: The Kitchens

Clary and Whipscutt are having a food fight as Orland enters. *A pie hits him square in the face*
Whipscutt: What a bally waste of food. I wanted to lick that off my face.
Orlando: *eyes grow red* Eualalia!!!!!
Hightor: Here we go again.
Orlando: *charges Whipscutt* How dare you hit one of your various badgerlords with a pie? Eualalia!
Whipscutt: *casts around for some of Wraith’s poisoned food* I know it’s around here somewhere…I just need to fire it from my sling at Orla…
Orlando: *slashed Whipscutt’s left forearm off* Surrender!
Whipscutt: That’s not very nice.
Orlando: You call that a flesh wound?
Whipscutt: I never said that
Orlando: That’s not the point…wait a minute, that is the point…Well it doesn’t matter…Eualalia!
Brocktree: I guess we’ll have to go to the Secret Chamber.
Sunflash: Well, off we go.
*Badgerlords walk up to the Secret Chamber*

Scene 6: The Secret Chamber

Hightor: And to the left we have Lord Brocktree’s corpse, but Lord Stonepaw’s isn’t there, because he drowned in a deep wake
Boar: But he just died in the Council Chamber
Hightor: Oh yeah…I suppose we’ll have to put it there…
Boar: That means we’ll have to move all the corpses down a throne, and somehow erase the engravings…
Hightor: *hopefully* Whiteout? Well, anyway, next to Brocktree we have…
Brocktree: Will you stop it? You’re giving me the willies…
Hightor: Oh, fine *sneaks up behind Brocktree* Boo!
Brocktree: Aggh!
Hightor: Teeheehehe
Russano: You’re really immature.
Boar: When did you get here?
Russano: Just now. I had to travel to Redwall for Cregga’s funeral.
Sunflash: But Cregga is still alive. She’s currently throttling Urthstripe in the Council Chamber.
Russano: Maybe she’s an imposter
Boar: I doubt it…hmm…Maybe we’ve been trapped in one of those whatchamacallits…err…
Sunflash: An alternate universe?
Boar: That’s not it…
Russano: Another dimension?
Hightor: A dumb fan-fic?
Boar: I don’t think those are right…maybe a…
Sunflash: A rubber chicken factory?
Boar: Precisley! We’ve all been trapped in a rubber chicken factory where events in different time periods coincide with each other.
Russano: I doubt that highly. To bad Urthwhite isn’t here…he’s studying this stuff.
Sunflash: He’s on jury duty at Noonvale…and speaking of which, weren’t we suppose to bring Rawnblade to trial today on three accounts of godmoding?
Russano: We’ll have to hold the trial tomorrow…*glances at watch* It’s 10:00 PM.
Sunflash: Rawnblade’s lawyer… wait a minute. Where did you get the watch?
Russano: Pigmy Shrew Mafia.
Sunflash: *rolls eyes* Whatever…anyway, his lawyer won’t be very happy.
Russano: You mean Tarquin? He doesn’t care…I don’t even know why he took the job. After all, Rawnblade did kick him out of Salamandastron for singing too loudly in the shower.
Boar: That’s Tarquin for you.
Brocktree: Well I’m going to bed.
*Badgerlords depart for their bed chambers*

August 12th, 2004, 08:09 PM
Scene 7: The Courtroom

Judge Sandgull: Hear ye, hear he! The mountain court is now in bally session. Rawnblade is being tried for three bally accounts of godmoding, doncha know.
Tarquin: I jolly well object, yer honor
Rawnblade: *roaring* If you don’t pardon me, I’ll swipe yer head off.
Sandgull: Oh dear, wot wot.
Tarquin: I would like to call the first witness, Mariel to the stand.
Mariel: *takes the stand*
Sandgull: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
Mariel: There’s no god in Redwall
Sandgull: Oh well, just answer the flippin’ question
Mariel: Actually Rawnblade is threatening me. If I testify for him, he won’t swipe my head off, like he threatened before.
Sandgull: What jolly ol’ devilry is this? That’s it! The rest of this trial is canceled! Jury, please depart to make your decision.
Tarquin: You can’t do that, sah!
Sandgull: This is a rubber chicken factory! I can do whatever the owner tells me, doncha know!
Tarquin: I object!
Sandgull: Objection denied. Jury, please bally withdraw,
*Jury leaves*

Scene 8: Another Council Chamber

Foreman Russano: Let us begin the deliberation with donuts for all! *Passes out donuts, badgerlords eat* Now, let us begin the real debating. Is Rawnblade innocent or guilty?
Badgerlords: *In unison* Guilty!
Russano: But we haven’t discussed any evidence yet.
Sunflash: Well there wasn’t any time for defense and prosecution. He’s guilty!
Brocktree: Wait…do we really want Rawnblade to go berserk?
Badgerlords: *in unison* Innocent!
Russano: You mustelids sicken me.
Boar: That sounds like treason! He’s a witch!
Russano: It’s not treason
Boar: Burn him!
Hightor: Shut up!
Russano: *Hurriedly* Let’s get back to the purpose at hand.
Random Knight of Ni #1: You must fetch us our shrubbery!
Brocktree: Dear god! I forgot we owed them a shrubbery.
Hightor: You’re a lousy treasurer.
Cregga: *Eyes grow red* Eualalia!!! *Runs Random Knight of Ni #1 threw with halberd*
Boar: *glances at the grisly scene* Who’s gonna clean that up?
Cregga: Urthstripe!
Urthstripe: *walks in, in chains, looking dejected* No fair.
Cregga: You’ll do what I say!
Russano: Let’s make a quick decision. Rawnblade’s innocent.
*Badgerlords apart from Cregga and Urthstripe leave*

Scene 9: The Courtroom

Sandgull: How the bally do you find Rawnblade?
Russano: *stands* Not guilty
Tarquin: *looks relieved* Woof…Rawnblade won’t swipe my head off now.
Rawnblade: Woohoo! *Does Hokey pokey* Put yer right paw in, take yer right paw out…
Sandgull: The next order of business: Lonna Bowstripe vs. the Honeycombe Freak, wot wot.
*A jury of hares walks in*
Sandgull: The case: The Honeycombe Freak claims Lonna hijacked a shipment of honeycomb.
Honeycombe Freak: Me want honeycombe!
Lonna: Me to stupid to get lawyer, har har har.
Defense: Than why are we here?
Sandgull: Maybe the defense comes separate than the bally lawyer, wot?
Defense: Or maybe the owner of this rubber chicken factory doesn’t know much about court cases.
Sandgull: In this case isn’t it an “assembly line,” not a “court case”?
Hightor: This is going nowhere.
Sunflash: Yah. I mean, isn’t this rubber chicken factory called the Council of Badgerlords?
Russano: I dunno.
Sunflash: In any case, we haven’t been counseling for a few scenes.
Brocktree: We’ll have to deliberate amongst ourselves and find a new title.
Russano: How about “The Life of a Badgerlord?”
Hightor: Or ‘Rubber Chicken Factories are Pointless”?
Boar: Blasphemy!
Hightor: In any case, Orlando’s trial is next. He’s accused of the murders of Clary and Whipscutt. We’ll have to choose a name later.
*Badgerlords wait for ten hours until the occurring trial ends*
Sandgull: *sleepily* The next case, Orlando is being bally accused of…Let’s go to bed.
Hightor: Have some coffee.
Boar: There’s no coffee in Redwall!
Russano: This is Salamandastron, silly.
Boar: I though we were in a rubber chicken factory.
Russano: In this case, Salamandastron is inside the rubber chicken factory.
Brocktree: Dear god! The rubber chickens are coming!
Sunflash: There’s no god in Redwall!
Russano: This is Salamandastron!
Brocktree: The rubber chickens are swarming down the aisle!
*None of the other badgerlords see anything*
Lonna: *still in the defendant’s chair* Aggh! *Gurgles, booming voice* I am the divine voice of Brian Jacques, speaking to you through my minion! Come forth, owner of this rubber chicken factory, so he can reverse the actions of these foolish badgers.
Russano: Oh, shut up. Let’s go to bed.
*Badgerlords go to bed*

Scene 10: Boar’s bedroom

Boar: Me sleepy *falls asleep*

Scene 11: The Secret Chamber, morning
Russano: Urthwyte is back from jury duty in Noonvale, my good badgers of the mountain.
Boar: Mountain inside the rubber chicken factory. Let’s be consistent.
Urthwyte: Actually, I’ve been doing some research. This is really a duffel bag.
Boar: Blasphemy! Burn him!
Random Knight of Ni #2: Ni! Give us a shrubbery!
Boar: *Ignores Random Knight of Ni #2* We are in a rubber chicken factory, I tell you! I shall not change my views on the universe!
Brocktree: I say we pay these good Knights of Ni their shrubbery.
Sunflash: Never! *Hits Brocktree in the stomach with mace* Rioooott!!!
Boar: Rubber Chicken factories!!!!
Urthwyte: Duuffeel Bagggssssssss! *Thrusts spear at Boar*
Boar: *Blocks with sword* I’ll duffel bag you!
*Badgerlords join sides and a riot ensues*
Rockjaw: *Peeks head around corner of door* Go! Go!
*Hares in riot gear trod into the chamber*
Rockjaw: Shields in front! Break up the fight!
Bridgekeeper: He would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. What is your name?
Rockjaw: Rockjaw Grang
Bridgekeeper: What is your quest?
Rockjaw: To stop a riot at the other end of the room.
Bridgekeeper: Do we live in a fan-fic, duffel bag, or rubber chicken factory?
Rockjaw: Uhh… I don’t know that…aggh! *Plummets into Gorge of Eternal Peril*
Hare in Riot Gear: Run away! Run away!
*Hares run away!*

Scene 11: The Infirmary (The Riot is over)

Brocktree: *refers to various club, spear, and sword wounds* Why am I the only one who got injured?
Russano: *doing push-ups* (to self) 1998, 1999, 2000 *stands up* (still to self) There we go (to Brocktree) Feeling better today, Brocktree?
Brocktree: Not particularly
Russano: Well, I’m sorry I had to bash you over the head with my hardwood stick
Brocktree: *sarcastically* Well it only gave me a concussion

Scene 12: Boar’s Bedroom

Boar: Me sleepy! *Falls asleep*

Scene 13: The Infirmary again

Russano: *winces* Ooh…sorry
Brocktree: I told Ma Mellus on you!
Russano: No! She’ll give me a bath! Aggh!
Ma Mellus: *cackles* Mwahahaha! A bath it is!
Russano: Agggh! Where did you come from?
Ma Mellus: *shrugs* I was in the closet…my batteries needed recharging.
Russano: Man, this fan…rubb…duff…thingy is strange.
Ma Mellus: Now young Russano, a bath for you….
Brocktree: Rubber chickens! Aggh! They’re all over me!

Scene 14: Brocktree’s Personal Lounge, later that day

Brocktree: Aahhhhh! The rubber chickens are coming! *Takes LSD scones out of pocket*
Hightor: *rolls eyes* Man, we badgerlords are getting disrespectable. Theft, murder, slavery, and now drugs.
Scarum: *walks into the room* Err…sirs…I have some bally bad news…You’re down in the polls 34% doncha know, and I’m bally hungry…Give me food…
*Arrow flies through room and hits Scarum in the back, instantly killing him*
Boar: (gratefully) Thank you!
Hightor: You moron! That was an assassination attempt. The arrow was meant for one of us!
Brocktree: Rubber chickens1 Help!
Hightor: And we’re down in the polls due to the idiocy of Lonna, Orlando, Cregga, and Brocktree…It makes me mad! *eyes glow a faint red*
Cregga: *peaks head around door* (growling) Saying something?
Hightor: *eyes go back to normal* Umm…no…
Cregga: Good! Now go make me some cookies!
Hightor: (meekly) Yes marm. *Walks out room*

Scene 15: Boar’s Bedroom, nighttime

Boar: Me sleepy *falls asleep*

Scene 16: The courtroom, next morning

Sandgull: Hear ye, bally hear ye! The court is now in session, wot, wot. Orlando the Axe is being tried for the murders of Colonels Clary and Whipscutt, doncha know.
Brocktree: Rubber chickens are coming!
Boar: Shut up!
Sandgull: Silence back there1
Boar: Sorry yer honor. Me sleepy. *Falls asleep*
Foreman Perigord: Orlando’s a witch! Can we burn him?
Sandgull: Certainly not!
Perigord: Ye let the other jury burn Lonna, wot.
Sandgull: Well I’ll compromise. You can burn Orlando after the bally trial, doncha know.
Perigord: Woohoo! *Slaps Rubadub’s hand*
Juryhare Rubadub: Bubbubba
Orlando: No fair! You didn’t let them burn…hmm…you let the juries burn almost everybody…Even Rawnblade, after we found him not guilty…
Russano: *muttering* This system is really corrupt.
Sandgull: They’re bally witches to! Burn them!
*Perigord, Rubadub, and the rest of the jury chases after the badgers, who flee the mountain*
Sunflash: Stand and fight my brave comrades! *turns around* Charggeeee!
*Sunflash charges into the mass of hares while the rest of the badgerlords keep running away*
Sunflash: Aw, crud. *Gets knocked unconscious by spear butt*

Scene 17: Sand Dunes near Salamandastron

Urthwyte: Ruunn!
Russano: Urthwyte: Wait! Isn’t that a vortex leading to another dimension? *Points to a big purple and red swirling hole in the ground*
Urthwyte: Well it’s better than being burnt!
*Badgerlords jump in*

August 12th, 2004, 08:11 PM
Scene 22: The Dibbuns Against Bedtime Club and Casino

*Badgerlords pop out of vortex in front of a building with a sign reading “Dibbuns Against Bedtime Club and Casino*
Russano: *Shakes head* So young.
Boar: Ooh! Let’s go play blackjack!
*Badgerlords enter*
Staff-member Bikkle: *Gruffly* Club membas onwee.
Boar: *Whines* No fair.
Urthwyte: It’s probably for the best if we don’t go in, anyway, Boar. You have too much of a chronic gambling problem.
Boar: Oh yeah! I’ll bet you a firkin of elderberry wine I don’t.
Urthwyte: See what I mean?
Russano: Let’s go!
*Badgerlords jump into vortex*
Boar: *From the depths of the vortex, and imitating General Macarthur* I shall return!

Scene 23: Somewhere in Mossflower

*Portal dumps Urthwyte, Russano, Hightor, and Boar in the middle of Mossflower Woods*

Boar: *Shudders* Sure is…spooky out here.
Hightor: * Rolls eyes* It is broad daylight.
Asmodeus: *Slithers out from behind a tree* Boooo! Youuuu will fiiinnddd spooookinessss with Assssmodeussssss! Cooome toooo my theeeeeme paaark: Deaaaad Mousssse Laaaand! Five candy chestnuuuuts aaaaa tiiiicket!
Boar: Aggh! *Jumps into a low hanging branch on a nearby tree* It’s goin’ to eat me!
Urthwyte: *Cautiously* If we go…will you, ah, put us on permanent display as er…badgers, who, ah sadly passed away.
Asmodeus: Youu doubt my honnnoor?
Urthwyte: *Steps backwards* Ah…sort of…
Asmodeus: *To Russano and Hightor* Youuu have a smaaart friend there…*Lunges forward and bites of Urthwyte’s head in on chomp*
Boar: *Let go of branch, and falls on footpaws, pumping paw into the air* Yeah! No more contention with my rubber chicken factory theory!
Russano: We have no weapons! Run away1 Run away!
*Badgerlords turn to run, but simultaneously trip over a tree root that wasn’t there a few seconds ago*
Asmodeus: Theere is eternityyyy inn Aaaasmodeeusss!
Boar: We’re done for!
Sunflash: *Runs through forest, most of his fur singed off, swinging his mace* Eualalia! ‘Tis death on the wind! *Bashes Asmodeus over head with mace, Asmodeus crumples over and dies*
Boar, Hightor, and Russano: Sunflash! We thought you were dead!
Sunflash: *Offhandly* I escaped, and slew half of the traitorous Long Patrol.
Russano: But that’s GODMODING! That’s illegal in good rubber chicken factories!
Sunflash: Hey, I saved you, right?
Russano: *Sighs* Fine. But how did you know how to find us?
Sunflash: I had one of those creepy visions. *Shudders*
Boar: You got cable television! Cool!
Russano: *Rolls eyes in disgust* A vision, Boar, a vision.
Boar: You practice long division? How boring. I always flunked that in school.
Hightor: Sunflash, can I see your mace for a second.
Sunflash: No problem. *Hands Hightor mace*
Hightor: Thank you. *Bashes Boar over the head with the mace*
Boar: Ow! Gosh darn it! Ow! Ow! Ow!
*Hightor hands mace back*
Sunflash: Sure! Off we go then. Shall we follow the redsandstone road?
Russano: Good idea.
*Badgerlords skip down the redsandstone road, singing “We’re off to see the lizard, the wonderful lizard of Oz…”
Hightor: *Stops singing* Wait a minute! This scene hasn’t been funny at all!
Sunflash: Oh, shut up. At least I returned.
Hightor: There was that, but…
Sunflash: *Bonks Hightor with mace*

Scene 24: Somewhere else in Mossflower

Sunflash: You know, this rubber chicken factory is getting really dumb. The Lizard of Oz? And the vocabulary is deteriorating. In the early parts, the owner would have had me say “Ignorant.”
Russano: That isn’t a very good word either.
Sunflash: My point precisely. And you just said the abhorred “g” word.
Lizard of Oz: *Steps out from behind a tree. So you have come to play heats, Mr Badger?
Sunflash: Aggh! Hey wait a minute…you’re Firl, Bobbo’s newt!
Lizard of Oz: I was. The job didn’t pay well, so I sent out my resume.
Sunflash: Oh.
Lizard of Oz: *points to Russano* You have come so you can go to Rome. Let me give you a word of advice. All roads lead to Rome. Just keep following this one, and you should be there, in oh…two days.
Russano: Ah, that’s not what I came for at all…
Lizard of Oz: *Indicates Boar* And you have come to get the October Ale stains out of your tunic. *Points to Hightor* And you for pourage. *Cackles* Well you shan’t have anything until you stick up my vest! Mwahahahaha!
Russano: But you just told me how to get to Rome.
Lizard of Oz: Oh, shut up. The other three of you shan’t have anything!
Boar: Oh yeah! Well go to bloody Hellgates!
*Cregga comes crashing through the trees, with a raised halberd in paw*
Cregga: Eualalia! *Swipes off the Lizard of Oz’z head*
Boar: *Whining* You again. I don’t like you.
Hightor: *Sharply* Hold your tongue, you fool!
*Cregga swipes Boar’s head off*
Sunflash: You know, you wouldn’t think a head would come off that easily.
Cregga: You DARE to insult me after what I have done to this fool! *points to Boar’s carcass* I have the strength of twenty rubber chickens!
Sunflash: Ah…no. My humblest apologies.
Cregga: Good. But whatever happened to…?
*fifty flaming arrows come through the air and get embedded in Cregga’s back*
Hightor: What in fur and feathers?
Cregga: *Plucks al 50 arrows out of back in one fluid motion* Hmmph! I can’t be stopped by fifty flaming, barbed, and poisoned arrows. Whoever those fools are, they’re pretty ignorant of my invincibility.
*Fifty Darrat jump out, being concealed in various bushes*
Russano: Flee!
Cregga: *Snorts* You sissies. I’ll show you how a real badger handles her enemies. *mumbles magic words, Darrat’s pants disappear*
Hightor: How…ah…effective is that?
Cregga: *Long suffering sigh* Fine. *mumbles more magic words, Darrat disappear*
Russano: Ah…what happened to them?
Cregga: I sent them to Redwall.
Hightor: Are you insane! They’ll massacre the Redwallers! And that doesn’t teach the Darrat anything!
Cregga: *Eyes redden* Of course I like Invader Zim!
*Vengro is lowered down on a tractor beam*
Vengro: I like it more!
Cregga: Oh yeah! *Swings halberd at Vengro*
Vengro: Argh! *Jumps back into tractor beam, is beamed up, though whether it was Scotty’s doing is debatable*
Cregga: Now what was that about?
Russano: Ah, let me explain. Vengro asked our illustrious author, I mean manufacturer, Agravaine, if she could be included in this factory. So he altered this part of the factory, for originally someone else was beamed down, to please Vengro.
Cregga: I hardly think rubber chicken factories are an appropriate way to joke around! I feel it is my duty to slay this vile Agravaine! It is my quest! Eualalia! *Runs of to look for Agravaine*
Hightor: We just lost two co-workers in two shifts. That’s not good. I really wish Agravaine would ease up on the violence.
*Boar’s specter rises from his carcass*
Boar’s Specter: Boo! Boo! Boo!
Sunflash: Egads! It is Michael Jackson! Run away! Run away!
*Three badgers run away, leaving Boar’s Specter very puzzled, wondering about if it was something he said*

August 12th, 2004, 08:13 PM
Scene 25: Redwall

Abbess Germaine: Wow! We killed all those Darrat ina pitched battle and we didn’t lose anybody!
Abbess Song: This causes for a celebration! Dance Dance Revolution tonight!

Scene 26: Yet somewhere else in Mossflower

*Hightor, Sunflash, and Russano have stopped running, convinced they lost “Michael Jackson”*
Russano: *Leaning against tree* So where do we go now? Salamandastron is out, the DAB C+C is out, we’ve already gone to Redwall, Spooky Dead Mouseland is too dangerous.
Sunflash: How about…
Boar’s Specter glides along into the middle of the Badgerlords*
Hightor: Aggh! Michael Jackon found us! There are some dangers even Badgerlords can’t face!
*Badgerlords turn to run, but the ground is replaced by treadmills*
Russano: What devilry is this?
Boar’s Specter: Don’t run! I’m not Michael Jackson!
Sunflash: If you’re not Michael Jackson, then I’m not Vengro in all her glory! Oh, wait.
*Canned laughter, as the audience has since lost interest*
Russano: Prove to us that you’re not Michael Jackson!
Boar: I’m Boar son of Brocktree son of Stonepaw son of Ceteruler son of Forrest Gump son of George Bush Jr. son of Bluestripe son of…
Hightor: We get it, we get it…You were Boar once…*hastily growing alarmed* But now you’re a ghost! Run away! Run away!
Boar: *Crying* Don’t leave me! I don’t want to be dead either!
Russano: *Pulls phonebook out of haversack, flipping through pages* Let’s see…*Stops at a page* Ahah! Here we go! Generic Video Game Character Agency. If we order a character, perhaps he can give Boar a healing potion.
Sunflash: How do you know about all of these things?
Russano: Pigmy Shrew Maffia gave me an X-Box in exchange for “services.”
*Police car drives up through woods, three squirrels step out*
Double O Squirrel: I’m Double O Squirrel, of the Mossflower Bureau, and of the new hit song “Double O Squirrel”, of which I will now sing the first few verses. Oh he’s Double O Squirrel, and he works for the MBI, oh he’s Double O Squirrel, he doesn’t have to wear a tie, Because he’s Double O Squirrel, with permission to kill, oh he’s Double O Squirrel, he…
Police Officer Dannflor: We should get on with this…
Double O Squirrel: Ah, yes. We have linked one of you to organized crime.
Russano: Umm…that’s umm...Cregga. She, umm…went that way. *Russano points northeast*
Double O Squirrel: You expect us to believe that?
Russano: Would an honorable badgerlord lie?
Police Officer Oak Tom: Err…probably not…but still…
Russano: I’m gravely offended sirs. When I say it’s Cregga, it was Cregga.
Double O Squirrel: None of that! All of you are suspects!
Dannflor: But sir, they ARE badgerlords.
Oak Tom: Yeah! See here! Why would badgerlords lie to the MBI and the Mossflower Police?
Double O Squirrel: I don’t care who they are, as long as…
*While the squirrels argue, the three Badgerlords and one badgerghost sneak away*

Scene 27: Yet even another place in Mossflower

Russano: I’m going to call the Generic Video Game Character Agency. *Pulls out cell phone from pocket, dials number which is only pretending to be toll free*
Receptionist Methuselah: Generic Video Game Character Agency. How may I help you?
Russano: I’d like to buy a character, please.
Methuselah: We’re all out. I just sold the last one to some lady named Cregga, for the purposes of hunting down our illustrious author.
Russano: *Shocked* No characters?
Methuselah: Could I interest you in some oven mitts instead?
Russano: OVEN MITTS?
Methuselah: Or mayhaps some Venetian blinds?
Russano: Hmmm…how much for the blinds?
Methuselah: 40 candied chestnuts.
Russano: That’s an outrage! *Hangs up*
Boar’s Specter: Did you get me a character?
*Russano mumbles incoherently*
Hightor: I’m having another vision! We must go to Redwall to save them from…Oh bloody heck. The reception went bad.
Encyclopedia Salesmen Gonff: *Walks up* I was in the neighborhood selling encyclopedias when I overheard you talking. I was under the impression that visions were arcane, and not electronic.
Russano: That’s a myth we like to uphold. You see, at birth each badgerlord has a television inserted into his head. It broadcasts the visions to us. Alternatively, we can watch Victoria’s Secret…I mean Dr. Phil…I mean Fox News…I mean PBS on them.
Gonff: Do you get HBO?
Sunflash: Only I do. My mother was rich, and didn’t skimp on unnecessary expenses.
Russano: *Under breath* Shut up.
Gonff: By the by, have you ever considered the advantages of owning a full set of encyclopedias?
Sunflash: *Bashes Gonff over the head with mace, he falls to ground unconscious*
Boar’s Specter: Before we go to Redwall, I’m going to see Rukky Garge to see if she’ll bring me back to life, the way she did for Deyna.
Hightor: But she only “fixes” otters.
Boar’s Specter: Time for a disguise then! *Puts on noseglasses and adopts a strange accent* Zi can zee zat zi zam really za zotter.
Hightor: I don’t think that will fool her.
Boar: Waitz zand zee. *Boar’s Specter glides off*
Sunflash: Should we wait for him?
Hightor: Nah, we have to save Redwall AGAIN.
Russano: I think we should put the abbey on the back of a flatbed and drive it closer to Salamandastron.
Hightor: Think of all the time, money, and grated cheese that would save!
*Russano and Sunflash nod agreement, they start walking in a direction that they’re randomly guessing is the way to Redwall, and even though it isn't, is being altered by Agravaine so that it is*