View Full Version : Da Jokes Thread

Lonna Bowstripe
November 12th, 2004, 05:02 PM
Post all your appropiate jokes here!

A guy walks into a bar. It hurts.

Jury: There's a skunk in here!
Judge: Odor in the court.

A guy walks into a bar. He hears little voices saying, "Nice hat, nice shoes, nice tie." He askes the bartender, who says, "It must be the peanuts. They're complimentary."

Where were chickens first fried? Greece.

A new name for elves: Subordinate Clauses.

Where does Batman take showers? In the bat-room.

A Bears fan, a Packer fan, a Sox fan and a Cubs fan were at the edge of a cliff. The Bears fan jumps off and says, "This is for the Bears!" The Packers fan jumps off. "This is for the Packers! The cubs fan pushes the Sox fan off the cliff. "This is for the north side!"

Why did the turkey cross the road? The chicken was on vacation.

A toad was in a library. He asked the libraian for help finding books. "Read it. Read it. Read it."

Harry: "Why did the turkey cross the road?"
Larry: "I don't know."
Harry: "To get his old-age pension. Get it?"
Larry: "No"
Harry: "Neither did the turkey. He got hit."

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A porcupine walks into a cactus. "Is that you, sweetheart?"

A cat said to his girlfriend, "I love you so much, I'd die for you." The girl cat said, "How many times?"

Hear about the chew-chew train filled with bubble gum?

Never put grease on your hair. Your mind will slip.

Don't mention 288 in front of your math teacher. It's two gross. (A gross is 144.)

The crazy guy always took a bale of hay to bed with him to feed his night mares.

Time flies to escape from people who are trying to kill it.

What do frogs wear to beaches?
Open-toad sandals.

The Eiffel Flower is 900 feet tall and covered with bees.

Adam and Eve never had a date. They only had an apple.

Why did Eve go to NY? She fell for the big apple.

A wasp in an insect that stings for it's supper.

Scientists have discovered a nes dinosaur! It went around breaking every thing. It's name? T. Wreaks

Here about the duck that robs banks? It's known as the safe quacker.

Frogs love Croaka-Cola.

When Santa dropped the presents, he became known as Santa Klutz.

Normal sight for a monster is 20-20-20-20-20.

The computer got excited because it's son spoke its first word. "Data!"

Customer: I'd like to by a dress to match my beautiful eyes.
Storekeeper: Sorry, mam, but we don't carry bloodshot dresses.

Phew, that's a lot...

November 12th, 2004, 07:41 PM
Man 1: Don't get spices into an open wound.
Man 2: That's SAGE advise!
(Sage is a kind of spice, for anyone who doesn't know)

November 12th, 2004, 07:48 PM
Somebody told me that I should always shoot first and ask questions later. I wanted to ask him why, but, I had to shoot him first.

I don't see why there should be any disagreement about Capital Punishment. I think everyone in the Capital should be punished.

Knock knock. Who's there?
Interrupting cow. Interrupting c-

I wouldn't be so paranoid if everybody would stop following me.
Hey, look, simply because I'm paranoid doesn't mean everyone isn't out to get me!

And now, the greatest Star Wars-related joke you will ever hear:
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader she'd be Ella Vader.

November 12th, 2004, 08:04 PM
My attention span is NOT really sh... hey, lint!

A man is sitting in a bar drinking some coffee, and he looks up and sees this great bulls head on the wall. So he calls to the bartender, "Can you tell me the history of this bull?" And the bartender says, "Please sir, do not speak to me of this bull, for this bull has killed my brother." "Oh," says the man, "I'm terribly sorry. So your brother was a bull fighter?" And the bartender said, "No, no, he was sitting there one night and the head fell on him."

They say Davy Crocket killed a bar when he was only three, but every time I try to kill a bar, the bartender kicks me out.

November 13th, 2004, 01:55 PM
panda: eats, shoots and leaves.
oh, if only people knew where to put commas and where not to...

Lonna Bowstripe
November 13th, 2004, 02:33 PM
Are yo mama jokes allowed?

November 13th, 2004, 06:28 PM
As long as they're clean... :)

November 13th, 2004, 07:43 PM
There's a man standing in front of the firing squad, ready to be shot at (why else would he be there?). But before the blind fold is put over his eyes, he asks, "For my last request, can I sing my favorite song all the way through?"
The guard sees nothing wrong with this, so he gives it the ok. The man takes a deep breath and starts singing: "999,999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall, 999,999,999,999 bottles of beer..."

Lonna Bowstripe
November 13th, 2004, 08:39 PM
Yo mama's so fat when she stepped on the scale it said, "One at a time, please."

Yo mama's so fat, she went swimming in the ocean and all the whales sang, "We are family, even though you're bigger than me."

Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a dogs tail and that's how the beaver came into being.

Yo mama's so fat, she jumped off the Sears Tower and bounced all the way back up. Edit: Yo mama's so fat, she couldn't jump off.

Yo mama's so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of a basement window.

Yo mama's so stupid, she chucked a rock at the ground and missed.