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Kratos
December 31st, 2004, 09:40 PM
Allright.......
I'm typing a novel on my computer.I'm hoping to publish it when it's finished.Who here thinks I have a chance?



Here's part of the first chapter ......





KARUS, DESTINY OF ROKIN

PROLOGUE


Rokin.....a tiny planet quite close to Earth; yet no human eyes had ever
beheld it; the planet was thought of as a suspended meteorite. Rokin
was similar to Earth in thousands of aspects,one of the few differences
being it’s inhabitants,a race of winged,lizard-like creatures called
Olos.Rokin was barren from any other form of life,and neither insect nor
bird lived there.The Olo tribes lived on fruit and vegetables,and some
tribes were cannibals,consuming the flesh of conquered foes.

Years ago,Rokin was a tranquil and flourishing world,the Olo
tribes living in peace with one another.Then,war broke loose.Legend
had it that the conflicts began over a fight for possesion of a
wonderous treasure that only the ruler of all Rokin would have a right to
own.So,the war for power and riches continued to this day...........

CHAPTER ONE

Dusk had fallen over the plains.A faint breeze rustled through the long
grass.Sand,caught by the wind,swirled about,forming strange
shapes,and settling down once more.It was still and
quiet.However,harmony was far from the plains this night.

Fire arrows hissed through the night air,crashing into the grass huts
of the Serpai tribe,thick black coils of smoke rising to the moonless
sky.The flimsy structures collapsed onto the ground and burned to
ashes as the panicked Serpais dashed about in confusion,blinded by
the stinging smoke blown into their faces by the winds.
Screeching warcries,the Nalcu tribe burst out of their sniping
positions,casting away their bows as they drew their coriths,long
wooden staves with two sharp stone prongs and a metal ball firmly
fixed atop each one.
Toras,the king of the Serpais,stumbled out of his flaming dwelling,coughing
and gasping.He staggered towards a small hillock,but found his way blocked by a front-running Nalcu soldier.He swung his corith,and the soldier yielded to the blow,crumpling down soundlessly.He stepped over the body,and mounted the hill.Waving his flag-draped corith,and yelling as loud as his smoke-filled lungs would allow him, he made an attempt to rally his scattered soldiers to him before they were brought under by the charging horde of Nalcu warriors.
Completly disoriented,and choking on the smoke,the Serpai army didn’t
see the impending doom before it was too late.
Invulnerable to the smoke because of the rags tied about their
nostrils,the Nalcus hewed down the luckless Serpais with ease.
King Toras saw that the battle was lost.Scrambling down from the
hillock,he spread his wings to fly away,toward the sheltering forests to
the north of the Serpai settlement,but just then,a corith prong pierced
his wing,ripping through the soft membrane.Whimpering in agony, the
king shrank against the hillock,looking into the truculent eyes of
Firo,the Nalcu army general.His weapon clattered on the rocks as it
fell.
Raising his corith for the second and finishing blow,General Firo
paused momentarily to untie the cloth about his mouth. ”So,no fight
back,eh?Just as well,it’s much easier that way.”
Toras looked almost defiantly at Firo.”Hah,even if you have slain my
tribe,my treasure shall never be yours.It is gone forever,no matter how
many Serpais you kill,the Nalcu tribe will never rule Rokin.”
Firo glared down at the Serpai king.”You are maddeningly foolish.See
how mighty this army is?No other tribe can hope to bring together the
numbers we have,and treasure or no treasure,we will bring every tribe
into submission to us one day,I swear to you.And just to show you the
emptiness of your words,I have decided to let you live,to view the
havoc we will wreak upon Rokin.The queen will be well pleased with
you.Chain him up,Govis!”
Turning away,Firo marched through the ranks of soldiers.”Set up
camp.We will rest the remainder of the night and morning,then at
noon,we search these ruins for the treasure.Proceed!”



A hulking Nalcu soldier stepped forward,bearing chains.Securing a
metal collar about Toras’s neck,he pulled hard on the lead ,causing the
king to trip and fall,scraping his injured wing on the rocky
ground.Laughing uproariously,Govis started dragging Toras across the
soil.”Come,prisoner.I must take you to Her Majesty.”
Standing up was not easy for Toras when he was being jerked along on
a chain,but he managed to scramble unsteadily to his feet.Hurrying
along behind Govis,Toras felt only gladness for being spared,no grief
for his fellow Serpais,his former bravado totally shattered.


The Nalcu army separated,each Olo starting to set up his
tent,or forage for food.Soon the battleground was a sea of
tents,fires,and Nalcu soldiers flying about.Weaving through this
gigantic maze,Toras’s keeper kept walking faster,and faster until the
king could barely keep up,bruising his feet on the pointy gravel.When
he offered a timid suggestion to walk slower,Govis grinned
wickedly.”Would you rather we fly?What a good idea!”Flapping his
powerful wings,Govis soared upward.


To avoid suffocation,Toras had to flap his wings also,the pain searing
through his torn one.If walking was painful,flying was sheer
torture.Gritting his teeth,Toras made a mental note to keep silent
throughout the rest of his flight.The sun had risen,lending pale streaks
of light to the camp,enough for the king to look down and see the
damage inflicted on his once beautiful village.Large piles of ashes and
burnt wood marked the spots where dwellings used to stand.Small
pools of fresh,clear water,now churned to mud by the Nalcu horde
charging through them.The fruit trees and bushes stripped bare by the
ravaging soldiers,the small oaks just planted last year,chopped down
for firewood.



In the center of all this wreckage,Toras spotted a gigantic pile of
collapsed stone pillars with heaps of ashes mounded on top of them.It
was the remnants of his “castle” as he once fondly called it,utterly
destroyed.He felt his eyes welling up with tears as he gazed down at
the ruins,the hard work of many months completely destroyed in one night.



Govis,hearing the sounds of sniffling and sobbing below him,looked
down irritably.”What’s wrong with you,you whining slug?”
Toras wailed piteously,half delirous with the pain of his wing,and the
shock of his capture.
The soldier bared his teeth at the king.”You’re crazy,you know that?”
Toras fell silent,his body hanging limply except for his wings,which
were still fluttering weakly.As they reached the fringes of the
camp,Govis began to fly downwards.They landed on the ground,where
the rocky dirt gave way to soft grass.Several Nalcu soldiers were
erecting an elaborately decorated tent,while four others stood bearing
a palaquin draped with red silk curtains.Shoving Toras’s face into the
dirt with his foot,Govis bowed in front of the palaquin .”Queen
Lerin,I have brought to you the king of the Serpai tribe.Your brother
General Firo,has said to keep him alive,and that he should be brought
to you.”
The curtains parted with a swish,a tall female Olo alighting delicately
out of the palaquin.She was clothed in a long blue toga encrusted at
the edges with bits of gold,and a purple cloak embroidered with
shimmering blue threads,fastened about her throat with an emerald-
green pin.Her long yellow headspikes curved down to her waist, her
black-tipped wings fluttering slightly as she hovered towards
Govis.When she spoke,her voice was hacking and harsh.
”My brother did well in capturing him.However it is my decision whether
he should live or not.Well,prisoner,what have you got to say for
yourself?”
Spitting soil,Toras raised his head,avoiding eye contact with the
queen.He tried to speak,but sheer panic filled his thoughts,and out
came an incoherent gabbling.
Govis snorted.”With all due respect,Your Highness,this Serpai is out of
his mind.It’s no use questioning him.”
Queen Lerin waved her long claws.”Go cage him up somewhere,and
tell Firo to issue a guard about the camp.Dismissed.”
Turning,she glided into her now completed tent.
Bowing again,Govis shackled Toras to a huge boulder.”You are to stay
here while I go find a nice little cage for you.If you try to escape,your
wings will be cut off.”
King Toras shuddered.
Govis shot off up into the air with a mocking laugh.

Bladeswift
December 31st, 2004, 09:45 PM
I can't put my finger on it exactly, but something about it just feels too fast paced.

Jodan
December 31st, 2004, 09:51 PM
The planet idea seems kind of ridiculus, and the winged lizards are a little out there for me.

Ferahgo the Assassin
December 31st, 2004, 10:18 PM
I like it - there's potential.

Some quick suggestions:

Physical descriptions. You tell us basically nothing about the Olos other than their lizard-like features and wings. How big are they? Bipedal or quadrupedal? What color are they and do they have markings? What do their wings look like? Are they batlike, dragonlike, etc? Do they have tails? Claws? Throughout most of it - other than the flying bit - I get the mental impression that the characters are humans because of how you write them. When you got to the bit about Lerin, we see that they have long claws and headspikes. This sort of description would have been much more effective earlier on. In fact, Lerin seems to be the only Olo even remotely described. Description is key!

Grammar. Not bad at all (especially considering the fanfiction realm!) but two semicolons in one sentence isn't cool, and knowing the difference between it's and its is important. Also, spaces after commas and periods would be nice.

And this is nothing, just annoying nitpicking, but: I find it interesting that this different planet, having no contact with humans, somehow manages to have bows, arrows, coriths, etc. ... Also, it'd be neat (but not really necessary) if you explained why, exactly, there is no life on Rokin. This leads me to believe that the Olos came from another planet and inhabited the barren Rokin. It seems unlikely that the place would have abundant fruits and veggies without other forms of life, though - unless the Olos introduced them from their home planet. I highly suggest you do at least a quit bit of Olo history in this respect.

Other than that, I like it. Fast-paced, yes, but depending on the length of the rest of the story and how you present it, it might be more effective than detrimental. Will there be any more?

Hisk
December 31st, 2004, 11:23 PM
Its good. I'm into short stories (I'm aiming to get one into Cicada magazine) but the idea is basically the same. Here is a tip: (sorry I didn't read Ferehgos, I may be repeating)

1. Get descriptive. Dont say "the thing was colourful" say it "was green and red". This helps the reader put the image into his/her head. A story with little appeal to the senses won't go anywhere. That's basically what I think is the most important.

2. Each quotation from a new person starts a new paragraph.


And while I'm at it, immedietly starting with a Novel might not be a good idea. Try with shorter segments of story (thats what I do) its a lot easier for biginners. You gotta start small! Cicada is a mangazine that occasionally publishes short tories written by It's readers, and there are many others like it. Trust me, its easier to go that way than shooting for a 300 page bestseller right off!

Hmm, one day I'll post my little story here, It'd be interessting to see what people would think of it. I'll just say now that it's a horror story.

Hisk
December 31st, 2004, 11:50 PM
Ah, here it is (im starting to think that this thread should be in another section. :lol: )

This is a very small excerpt. Its kind of stupid now that I look at it actaully. :D

Ryan watched the two thugs leave, and when he was absolutely sure they were gone, he picked himself up and quietly set out towards the barn. It was very old, and to Ryan it looked to be painted completely black. It’s timbers were rotten and ratty, and yet appeared to have no holes or cracks like most barns he had seen. In fact, it appeared to be airtight from the outside. It was kind of creepy looking, but it would make a good hiding place.

Mentally cursing his extremely awful luck, Ryan made his way to the side door of the barn and laboriously heaved it open. The musty smell of old hay and mouldy wood hit his nose like a wall. Ryan tiptoed inside, fumbling for his flashlight.

Then the door slammed shut.

Ryan whirled around wildly, groping in the darkness for his flashlight, his heart pounding. As he searched his pockets, he took a small step forward, then froze.

A wailing scream rose up through the air, causing shivers to run up Ryan’s spine. Never had he heard such a terrifying sound in his life, the sound was that of horrible unending agony a thousand voices all rising at once, and it was coming from the spot he had stepped on. Sweating in the pitch black, Ryan took a step backwards, only now, the screams came from behind, him the place that he had put his foot. Cold Goosebumps raised themselves on Ryan’s skin, and he screamed in spite of himself.

Ryan found the flashlight more out of luck than anything, as his hands were shaking profusely. He flicked the switch and nothing happened. Standing still he desperately thought of were he had put his stupid batteries. As he was doing this he heard a voice.

“Ryan.”

It was a voice like the scraping of a hundred shells, horribly rasping and coarse. The sound of it filled him with dread, as did the mention of his name.

“There is no escape”

Kratos
January 1st, 2005, 11:43 AM
Wow.Nice criticism.I love it!
Seriously,this is just the roughdraft.After I finish,I'm going to go back,smooth it over,add more details,and things like that.Thanks for reading it and giving me your comments.I guess I did need some advice.I'm 12 in case anybody is wondering age-wise. ;)

Hisk
January 1st, 2005, 11:44 AM
Well, good luck on your story!

Kratos
January 1st, 2005, 11:50 AM
I like it - there's potential.

Some quick suggestions:

Physical descriptions. You tell us basically nothing about the Olos other than their lizard-like features and wings. How big are they? Bipedal or quadrupedal? What color are they and do they have markings? What do their wings look like? Are they batlike, dragonlike, etc? Do they have tails? Claws? Throughout most of it - other than the flying bit - I get the mental impression that the characters are humans because of how you write them. When you got to the bit about Lerin, we see that they have long claws and headspikes. This sort of description would have been much more effective earlier on. In fact, Lerin seems to be the only Olo even remotely described. Description is key!

Grammar. Not bad at all (especially considering the fanfiction realm!) but two semicolons in one sentence isn't cool, and knowing the difference between it's and its is important. Also, spaces after commas and periods would be nice.

And this is nothing, just annoying nitpicking, but: I find it interesting that this different planet, having no contact with humans, somehow manages to have bows, arrows, coriths, etc. ... Also, it'd be neat (but not really necessary) if you explained why, exactly, there is no life on Rokin. This leads me to believe that the Olos came from another planet and inhabited the barren Rokin. It seems unlikely that the place would have abundant fruits and veggies without other forms of life, though - unless the Olos introduced them from their home planet. I highly suggest you do at least a quit bit of Olo history in this respect.

Other than that, I like it. Fast-paced, yes, but depending on the length of the rest of the story and how you present it, it might be more effective than detrimental. Will there be any more?



Yes,that was only a little bit of the first part.You mention nitpicking,well,that's what the editors do.I know the difference between its and it's,but it's a little hard to keep them straight when you're typing like mad.I'll take your advice,and hopefully do something with it! :p

Kratos
January 1st, 2005, 11:54 AM
(I'll try to slow down the pace a little.I'm just trying to outling the plot so I can go in and fix it all up.It takes a lot of work, you know.......

Ringmaster
January 1st, 2005, 01:47 PM
I think the story will turn out great just remember to be discriptive

Lonna Bowstripe
January 1st, 2005, 02:09 PM
Pretty good, the prolouge just doesn't seem as smooth. Try and smooth it out a little.

Kratos
January 1st, 2005, 04:46 PM
I did that.Thanks for the feedback you guys!