View Full Version : Comments on my poem

April 7th, 2003, 05:38 PM
Just to explain the horriblness of it, it is the first poem I have writen since the poetry unit last year. So comments, suggestions, flames, put them here!

April 7th, 2003, 05:44 PM
First of all, you might want to spell Forgotten right. :P

The second stanzaa's third and fourth lines are kind of shaky. This may not be what you mean to say, but perhaps "Happiness reigns/ Among them all" Just a suggestion, but you should probably change those lines.

All in all, pretty darn good.

April 9th, 2003, 09:41 AM
Good 'un Calunturntain. Tha'n poum waz a gurt exarmple of'n how poums shuld be a written'. Gurt job.

(That was an attempt at molespeech.)

Actually, I think the poem was good. But the lines were shaky, like Furrtil said.

April 9th, 2003, 04:06 PM
Well, I changed those two lines. Yay. Not much better though *shrug*

The dibbuns dance
Inside Redwall
Some of them skip
Whilst others crawl
And in each heart is a sunny song
Because they are were they belong

Nora the Rover
April 10th, 2003, 06:23 PM
Great job, Cal! However, I noticed that the poem sounds like a fan-fic or story should go along with it. Dunno why, it just seemed like the foreshadowing or beginning of some sort of story.

Keep up the good work! :D

April 10th, 2003, 08:32 PM
Humm... thats a good idea. It could have an otter character, and could have a Redwallian feast, and they could save slaves. Or something. I am no good at fan fic though.