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Thread: The Attack by swit......

  1. #1
    Patroller Barkstripe's Avatar
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    Feb 2005

    The Attack by swit......

    Wow...I never ended up reading's great...keep writing.....

  2. #2
    Patroller Sagrived Switpaw's Avatar
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    Feb 2005
    Ha! I need to write more on that! Thanks for the reminder Barkstripe!
    LPF Addicted since: 05/05/05

    "We will meet again my friend, but not yet, not yet..."

  3. #3
    Patroller Agravaine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    It needs work. A lot of work.

    Silently Azuretail’s pure Ferret band marched through the pitch black and quiet of Mossflower wood.
    "Pitch black" has become a cliche phrase. The f in "ferret" should be lowercase, and the w in "wood" should be uppercase. You don't need to establish that it's quiet twice.

    They were on they’re way to the abbey, and conquest!
    "They're" means "they are." You're looking for "their," mate. Avoid exclamation points in narrative. Anyway, you probably don't need this sentence, anyway--you can establish their goal later on.

    Togeather they had a little over a score, counting they’re fox leader of course. Even though that wasn’t much, that was all he needed to bring down the Red house.
    These sentences are not needed. You can mention their numbers in the first sentence.

    [s]They marched on, in quiet unison,[/s] Every [s]pure ferret[/s] face [s]and[/s] blade had been blackened with soot, and hanging about their persons were [s]all sorts of weapons[/s]--daggers, cutlasses[b], [s]assorted[/s] knives and [s]the odd[/s] short spears, all perfect for the job they were to perform.
    Changes in bold.

    I was too lazy to go any farther. Anyway, these are just basic technical changes--your sentences are still far too passive. For example, "daggers, cutlasses, knives and short spears hung about their persons" would be a lot better than what you have now. Some description would not go amiss either, but be careful to not go overboard.

  4. #4
    Dibbun Micaskay's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    New Forest, England
    Isn't it part of Brian's style to introduce the vermin with an exclamation point (is there no shorter word?!)?

    Just butting in here, not sure if I read the story or not, heh...
    I am the Off-Topic Queen! Also writer of mini-essays.

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