Tiff: A Tale of Ultimate Squirrelly-ness

[Fuzface]

My BFF Katie and I are writing a Redwall Story Together, by tag-team writing. I'll post it here, bit by bit.
Here's what we have:

Tiff: A Tale of Ultimate Squirrelly-ness
By Petra and Katie
Chapter 1

Princess Kurdled Milk was a white ferret. She was covered in strange lumps, which, obviously, was the reason she was named Kurdled. Kurdled Milk liked to think she was a ferocious beast, and adored beating up her slaves at random and for no particular reason. Right now, it was Practicing Sword Fighting Hour. A slave would toss an apple in the air, and she would turn it into apple sauce.
“Toss de apple, Tiff,” Kurdled Milk ordered a squirrel slave.
“But me paws’ll get all dirty,” Tiff was prissy. She wore pink bows in her ears, on her tail, and basically every place one could put a pink bow. Kurdled Milk was about to chop her into squirrel chunks, when Welfare, the hedgehog who stole money from the royal family, shouted.
“Don’t chop ‘er! I’ll throw yer stinkin’ apple!” Welfare tossed the apple in the air, and Kurdled Milk chopped it into apple sauce.
“Good job, K. M., marm,” The hedgehog grinned to calm the Princess. “What a great sword beast, eh, Sludge?” Sludge, a mute mud-covered otter, nodded in agreement.
“But she got apple sauce all over me!” whined Tiff, bursting into tears. Behind her, an undersized hare had crawled into the room. He was dragging himself by two ridiculously massive forepaws, compared to his stunted back legs, which were apparently useless. Tiff was too busy sobbing her heart out, while the Princess was too busy scolding for either of them to notice anything unusual. Sludge and Welfare, however, were stunned. Suddenly, the strange creature began to speak, almost unintelligibly.
“Well, this is food for thought, eh? No time like the present to come through with flying colors, wot, wot. It's sink or swim now, I guess, and I feel like a bally fish out of water. Easier said than done, but now's the time to face the music, old bean.” Sludge was going cross-eyed, but Welfare had always been gifted with various cultures, especially in the hare department. Slowly but surely approaching the talkative beast, she struck up a jovial conversation.
“Well hello, hello, hello! What are you doin' here, uh—What-Ever-Your-Name-Is. Say, what is your name, anywho...wot, wot?” Kurdled Milk stopping shouting at Tiff to explain:
“Dis is Beatlescarer De Clichér, mah new slave,” explained Kurdled Milk.
“Beatlescarer be my name, an’ Clichéing is my game, ol’ thing!” Said Beatlescarer; “But you ken call me Scarer wot, wot!” The pathetic-looking hare twitched his ear.
“Good to meet you, Scarer, ol’ lad,” Welfare shook his paw.
“Charmed I’m sure, wot,”
“I’m Welfare, and this be Sludge,” Sludge waved and grinned, “He’s my BFF, but he’s kinda mute,” Sludge nodded vigorously.
“He’s really good at charades, though,” Continued Welfare.
“I thought I was your BFF,” screeched Tiff, sobbingly.
“That be Tiffany Tiffton. You ken call ‘er Tiff,”
“I’m pleased to make yer acquaintance, ol’ bean,”
“I’m not oooollllllld!” shrieked Tiff, “I hate you!” She stomped away, leaving a trail of pink bows behind her.

[Gorath the Flame]

*tries to restrain laughter.......fails* Hahahahahahahahaahahaahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Fuzface]

*tries to restrain laughter.......fails* Hahahahahahahahaahahaahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you think this is cool, read this

More of Tiff is on the way...as soon as my BFF ads a new paragraph because it's her turn....

[Fuzface]

“That be Tiff. You ken call ‘er Tiff,”
“I’m pleased to make yer acquaintance, ol’ bean,”
“I’m not oooollllllld!” shrieked Tiff, “And I hate you!” She stomped away, leaving a trail of pink bows behind her. Sludge closed his eyes, and slapped a paw to his forehead in disgust.
“Is she always like that?” asked Scarer anxiously.
“Aye,” replied Welfare in a low undertone. “We'll talk more later when not so many others are around, but basically she's got a turrible curse.” The princess finally noticed the slaves talking together, and immediately started yelling.
“What's dis, you plotting behind me back vile I'm even still in the room, yar! Git out o' here, slaves. Practicing Sword Fighting Hour is over.”
Late that night, when all of them were in the slave's compound sleeping, Welfare woke Scarer so she could explain about Tiff's “turrible curse”.
“Ya see, Scarer, the thing about Tiff is...she wasn't always a slave. Before you interrupt, I know what you're goin' ta say; ‘just as many are born free as born slaves’, but that's irrelevant, really. Now, back to my tale of woe. Long ago, I was a maid (volunteering, of course) at the royal palace of Royalitynesses. And the squirrelly queen was about to have a baby, that was Tiff o'course. The day Tiff was born was a horrible time; there were ridiculous amounts of vermin in Mossflower. Ferrets, stoats, the whole lot; and worst of all was a frightening badger named Bloodwrath. Uggh, Bloodwrath had once possessed normal, white and black fur, but through many battles and wars (which he had always won, o'course), his fur had been permanently stained with blood. So anyways, barely a few hours after Tiff was born, not even named yet, mind you, when all of a sudden Bloodwrath and his army comes busting into the palace, demanding surrender and all that junk. I ran up to the nursery, grabbed the babe and ran to the queen's room. I asked her what could be done, but all she said to me was this:
‘Welfare, you've been a bothersome maid, always dropping and breakin' my antiques and all, but I know there's no way I'm going to survive this mess. I can hear the villains smashing things downstairs right now! So, you take my babe...and go away to somewhere safe. Raise her, but never tell her that her real name is Tiffany. Just call her Tiff, she'll be fine with it, I know she will. She better, anyway.’ Just as the queen finished this sappy, predictable speech, the door broke down. There stood Bloodwrath, bloody and….wrathful. Quickly, I grabbed ‘th kings sword, which hung on th’ wall and hacked ‘im to pieces.
The queen of Squirellyness shrieked and died, ‘cause she can’t stand the sight of blood. It ruined ‘lil Tiffie’s brain, seein’ that blood an’ all. Not that she were to bright to begin wit, mind you. It jus’ made ‘er even MORE ‘special’. But the castle were still overrun wit vermin, so I grabs the king’s riches and run off wit it,” the hedgehog looked delighted with herself, “so I jumped outta th’ window, clutchin’ the babe. I landed in the moat, an’ ran. We wandered for seasons, until we came upon the abbey of Redwall. The Redwallians took me in.
Ol’ Welbot, th’ abbot, was a weird dude. He looked said he’d been eaten by an adder an’ spewed back up. Th’ big creatures ‘ead were mounted on ‘is wall. Those Redwallians ‘ad a big sword on ‘th wall, hangin’ over a picture of a mouse. I took it, along with picture of the mouse, with which I made this lovely tunic. But then, Kurdled Milk captured me ‘n Tiff and we’ve been ‘ere ever since. She took me sword. Sumday, I’ll murder Kurdled while she showers and get it back. But don’t tell Tiff, k? She thinks tha’ she killed Bloodwrath. And if’n you tell ‘er that she’s a princess, she’ll be even more bossy n’ stuff then she is now,”

[Gorath the Flame]

Made this lovely tunic?

Kill her while she showers?

[Fuzface]

Made this lovely tunic?

Kill her while she showers?

Welfare rules. Of course she's somehow related to Norman...

[Fuzface]

Suddenly, and without warning, the compound door burst open. Several of the royal guard marched in, followed by Princess Kurdled Milk and her dwarf brother, Prince Brad.
“Vake up, all yoo stupid slaves, yar,” the princess began to speak, with firm authority. “It has been brought to my attention dat Beatlescarer has not been taught de royal zong! Now all of yoo line up and zing it!” All of the slaves stood in a line and began singing:
“Ooooo, we pledge our love tar yooooou,
Kurdled Milk you rule.
We all love yooooou,
We will never sue,
Because we all love yooooou.
Yes we do, do, dooooo!” This was repeated twelve times.
“Dare now, time fer chores!” shrieked Kurdled Milk, “Brad is in charge, yarr!” Several of the female squirrels sighed and whispered:
“Oooooh, Prince Brad,”
“Zludge, Welfare, Tiff n’ Beatlescarer, yoo cum vit me,” Brad ordered. Tiff squealed with delight.
“He said my name!” she fiddled with one of her pink bows and giggled.
“Stop bein' dumb 'n hurry up,” said Brad. “I got a special plan fer yoo,” Unfortunately, his “special plan” involved:
Two dozen ping-pong balls,
quick-drying cement,
the Three Caballeros on VHS,
water balloons,
an orangutan,
...and an oriental slave mouse named Ling.
“Dis iz a zecret veapon,” said Brad, “I vill use it to take over der vorld!!” Brad was always trying to take over the world. Welfare rolled her eyes.
“How’s it gonna work this time, Brat?” Brad filled the water balloons witch quick-drying cement. Then, he tied Ling to the orangutan, using the tape from the Three Caballeros on VHS. He handed the mouse the water balloons and a bag of ping-pong balls.
“I can’t believe me eyes!” exclaimed Beatlescarer.
“I be a genius,” snickered Brad. “Here's me plan. Ling vill trow der vater balloons 'n ping-pong balls at Kurdled Milk. She’ll die, 'n I’ll rule the castle,” The ferret was delighted with himself.
“Uh Brat, I hate to burst your bubble, but what about yer father, King AhDarnYoo? Ye kinda have to get rid o' dem both to make yer plan work.” Welfare commented slyly. Scarer spoke up, too.
“Yah, Braddieboo. The ol' gel's right, sir and all that wot wot. Ye'd do best to do whatever she says.” Both hare and hedgehog high-fived behind the prince's back, but because of Scarer's back legs, (or lack thereof) he fell to the ground with a loud thud.

[Fuzface]

“Zo, vhat should I do?”
“First,” said Welfare, “I you to lead me n’ my friends to the treasury,”
“Vy?
“I need to, uh, look at something,” Brad shrugged, and led them all to the royal treasury. After stuffing her tunic full of coins, Welfare turned to Brad.
“Righto, now I need to visit the armory.
“Vy?”
“’Cause I said so. So let’s go,” Brad led them to the armory. Welfare sorted through the weapons.
“Where is the stupid thing? Oh, look, a rapier!” she moved closer to Beatlescarer and Sludge.
“Choose yerself a weapon. We’re busting out,” she whispered.
“Oh jolly good, sounds like a plan to me, wot, wot!” snickered the hare.
She whispered the same to Tiff, who screamed:
“I don’t want to fight!”
“Vy, oo’s goin’ ta vight?” Brad was knocked flat by Welfare’s rapier.
“We’re leavin’, c’mon, Tiffie!”
“I’m not movinggggggggggggg!” Welfare picked up the shrieking squirrel under one arm and ran out of the room, followed closely by sludge, with Beatlescarer dragging himself behind them.
“Wait just a bally second, wot, wot. Stop n’ smell the roses so I ken catch up!”

[Fuzface]

Upon hearing this, Welfare quickly ran back a few steps, scooped up the hare with her free paw, and continued running through the castle—trying to find an exit ASAP.
Welfare spotted a tall door a ways up the hallway, however just as she dashed to it, she realized her paws were full.
“Gaaah!” she screeched despairingly. Now, she could hear voices, getting louder by the minute. Then, she had a brainstorm. “Scarer, Tiff, reach forward and turn the doorknob--I can't reach it.” Scarer caught on, but Tiff just giggled and screamed:
“Silly Welfare, your arms are more than long enough,” Scarer muttered to Welfare,
“Any chance of gettin' her to put a sock in it anytime soon?”
“Nope, 'fraid not ol' chum.” Finally, they remembered Sludge, who opened the door, and ran in without looking. Halfway across the room, they realized. All three heard the dreaded voice of King AhDarnYoo...right in front of them. Sludge pulled out a dagger, and pointed from himself to the king.
“Sludge'll fight 'em for us! C'mon!” Welfare shouted. There was a clash of metal as Sludge met King AhDarnYoo. The rest of them ran down the beach, jumped into a boat, and began to row away.
“But what about Sludge?” asked Tiff.
“He fell behind. We gotta leave him. 'Tis the pirate code,” but even Welfare sniffled a little.
“Ah, ‘tis a cryin’ shame, wot, wot,” sobbed Scarer.
“You messed up my hair bows!” shrieked Tiff. There was a loud splash, and suddenly, Sludge swam close and jumped onto the boat.
“Good job, Sludge!” Welfare shook his paw, “Did ya kill 'em?” Sludge nodded and grinned. He waved the bloody dagger in Tiff’s face.
“Ewwwww,” she upchucked over the side of the boat. Sludge giggled. Suddenly, a flying spear came from nowhere, went straight through his body, and struck him dead.
“Ah, well, poor Sludgie, wot wot.” Scarer ducked behind him as another spear came flying at them. “Though I suppose he'll make a jolly good shield;”

Chapter 5

“Row, you fools!” shrieked Welfare, grabbing an oar. Scarer grabbed another, but because of his wimpy maximum strength, the boat went in circles.
“ROW YOU FOOLS!” Welfare repeated, fiercely.
“I don’t wanna wooooooork,” whined Tiff. Then, the hedgehog maid grabbed Tiff by her throat.
“Ye’ll row, missy, or else this float'll be one squirrell-ymaid lighter!”
“Y-yes, Welfare,” Tiff picked up an oar and began to row voraciously.
As they floated off, further and further from the castle, Welfare finally began to feel a sense of accomplishment. They were the first slaves to escape, ever in the whole history of castles, albino ferrets, hedgehog maids and hares without back legs. Sure they had lost Sludge; but he didn't have much potential anyway. He was really only around to deal with AhDarnYoo, and after that...well, the spear was a lucky coincidence. Then, randomly out of the blue, fathomless depths of the ocean rose the most corpulently lardaceous monstrous THING any of them had ever seen in their entire lives. Its teeth alone were four times the size of Tiff, its humongous scaly, slimy pelt iridescently shimmering in the suddenly cold sunlight.

[Mama Hedgehog]

Sooo, what happened next?

[Fuzface]

Well, I thought I posted this, but I must have messed up because of the slow computer:

Tiff shrieked and upchucked again. Scarer cowered behind Sludge, while Welfare bared her teeth in fear. She screamed in frustration.
“Good Gravy, its the Fearsome Skulkin' Thing of the Ocean-y Graveyard!” The Fearsome Skulking Thing roared fiercely.
“Swim for it, ol’ bean, good egg!” Scarer grabbed an oar as a flotation device and paddled with his mammoth forepaws for all he was worth. The Skulking Thing roared again, and, reaching down with a gigantic fin-like arm paw, latched onto Tiff and lifted her high in the air.
“Heeeelp meee!” She fainted. Welfare pulled out her sword and struck the Fearsome Skulking Thing hard. It howled in pain and dropped Tiff, who fell back on the boat with a thump.
“You hurt me!” The Fearsome Skulking Thing whined and sniffled. Big tears dropped from its eyes and spilled on the deck, nearly drowning Welfare and Tiff.
“Sorry?” Welfare looked in stupefied amazement at the Fearsome Skulking Thing.
“You should be!” It growled darkly, showing it’s glistening teeth. It pressed its face against Welfare’s, forming a splintering gap in the boat. Welfare wielded her sword, and stabbed again. It screamed, and picked her up so they were face to face.
“Sorry Mr. Flippin'ly Frightening Thing,” The Fearsome Skulking Thing burst into tears again.
“My name is Hank! My name is Hank! My name is Hank!” With each “Hank” The Fearsome Skulking Thing shook Welfare harshly. Then, it dropped her to the boat again, which was now more like a floating chunk of mashed wood chips. Then, still sobbing, it pounded the boat to a powdery pulp, and swam away.
“Egads, that were a sight to behold, wot wot,” gasped Scarer. He swam over to Welfare at an alarming rate, and hoisted Tiff onto his back. “Oh an' by the way, ol' chum, before it was too late I did manage to take a good-sized bite of the jolly old boat, so I can float—some what reminiscent of a certain old man in a poem me mum used to read me at bedtime to get me to fall asleep quicker...wot wot.”
“Uh—ok. I don't know (or particularly care) what eating wood, a flippin' sea beast that is just a rip-off of the Kraken and your mum have to do with any of us an' survivin'...but whatever. I'm sure weirded out you can float, but who cares; we're all alive, 'n that's what matters, right?”
Tiff soon regained consciousness, though she was still weak from the shock.
“W-where am I?” she stuttered through blue lips. “Did that big scary monster go away yet? Why am I soaking wet? Why is this nasty salty water so cold?” Welfare stared at her.
“Were ye not payin' any attention, missy?” she queried. “Scarer just saved ye from a watery grave, though why exactly in tarnation he would do an idiotic thing like that; I'm not quite sure.”
“You know what they say, Welfare,” Scarer explained, “When they're all dead the only thing left is to go through their pockets 'n look for loose change, wot wot. Unfortunately, the ol' gel happened to be still alive so it ended up lookin' like I saved 'er life...but whatever 'n good gravy! I'm bored now—let's play Simon Says!!”
“Yes, lets!” Hank appeared out of nowhere for no apparently random reason and clapped his paws happily.
“Um, ok,” Welfare said, getting an idea, “But I’m Simon!”
“Oh, goody-goody!” giggled Hank.
“Bring my an’ my friends to dry land!” ordered Welfare. Hank picked them all up with a massive paw, and flung them several feet to the nearest island.
“I’m sooooo good at this game,” Hank giggled again and started tap-dancing.
“Um, sorry, you lose, I didn’t say ‘Simon Says’,” Welfare grabbed Tiff and the thoroughly bloated Scarer and ran away as fast as she could.
“Welfare!” shirked Tiff, “Look at that!” Welfare looked in the direction Tiff pointed and screamed with delight.

[Mama Hedgehog]

Excellent! I await the next installment! (I like the skulking part, too! )

[Fuzface]

Yeah, well, my friend has writers block and cant' add to it. Maybe we'll get something new soon.....

[Mad Maudie McBurl]

It remind me of a story me and my BFF are doing to gather Prince Brad rimind me of our character Bradley Dunce

[Fuzface]

My friend never got over the writers block, so I added to it instead. She's working on her segment (Although I can't promise when it'll be up):

“Welfare!” shouted Tiff, “Look at this!” Welfare looked in the direction Tiff pointed and screamed with delight.
“I don’t believe me bloomin’ eyes!” yelled Scarer. “It be Salamandastron, wot, wot! We’re saved,” He grabbed Welfare and Tiff in a group hug. Welfare hugged back awkwardly, but Tiff began to scream:
“Ewwwww, the weird rabbit is invading my personal space, and messing up my hair ribbons!” Tiff sniffled, and burst into tears.
Before Scarer could correct her blunder about his species, Welfare pushed them both in a nearby rose bush.
“Hide! Quicklike!” She crawled in after them; stuffing a paw over Tiff’s mouth. They had almost blundered into a vermin encampment. Straining her ears, Welfare managed to pick of snatches of the vermin’s talk.
“Gimmie some o’ dat wood pid’gin,” a lardaceous rat was reaching for a sack that was resting on the ground. A grungy fox slapped his paw.
“Leave it alone, Lardbawl. It’s for Da Chief,”
“Da Chief won’ notice if I only take a lil’ bite,” The rat called Lardbawl reached for the bag again.
“Idiot! You already had yer supper. This grub is fer Da Chief’s store,”
“Jus’ a little bit!” The grungy fox pulled out a bloody dagger and waved it in Lardbawl’s face,”
“One more squeak, an’ I’ll stick ya!” Lardbawl squeaked. The Grungy Fox stuck him.
“Arrg, ya killed me!”
“Stop yer whinin’, twerp! I barely touched ya!” Lardbawl pulled out his own dagger, and lunged at the Grungy Fox. The Grungy Fox neatly stepped aside, and Lardbawl fell into a lithe weasel, who immediately fell upon Lardbawl with his saber. Lardbawl had no chance. He was reduced to a pile of bloody rat mush.
“Fresh meat!” shouted a random rat with no importance what so ever. The vermin gathered around the corpse, hacking and biting with gruesome ferocity.
Scarer grew pale looked away. Tiff would have upchucked, but Welfare’s paw was blocking her mouth. Welfare placed another paw over her eyes, so she wouldn’t see the gruesome seen. She, herself, however, watched with a grim fascination.
Suddenly, the hedgehog had an idea. She grabbed a large stick, and leaped from the bush. Welfare walked boldly into the vermin camp. They were too wrapped up in their oh-so-yummy feast to notice as she lit one end of her stick on fire. Then, she stood on a large boulder, and waved the torch wildly.
“Oy, ya buzzards, look over here!” The vermin turned from their gourmet meal and stared dumbly at Welfare. Dead silence reigned in the camp.
“Who the *censored* are you?” asked the Grungy Fox after what seemed like hours of silence.
“I be Welblood Deathfare, ‘an I’m going to be yer new captain!” she growled fearlessly.
“Why the *censored* should we listen to you?”
“Now, now Grungy, such language. Your momma would be ashamed!” Welfare smacked him smartly on the paw with the non-burning end of the stick. The Grungy Fox tried to stab Welfare’s foot. She set him on fire, and he went running for the ocean. He returned, singed wet, and no longer grungy.
“Now, who else wants to argue with me?” No one answered.
“Great! Now listen good, There’s something I need you to do for me,”