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Thread: A Tale of Two Taverns

  1. #1
    Dibbun Talon Baowolf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    At the barn

    A Tale of Two Taverns

    Hey! Second fic, hope i do good, this is a comedy.
    *Authors note* (Had a bad day, don't be angry if'n i kill someone)

    Big Bragger Burt was the fattest hedgehog any of the beasts of the wood had ever seen, and the biggest liar too.
    Every day was a different brag, "Oh, aye, I caught a pike yesterday, with me bare hands," "Yesterday, me daughter wanted a pet, so I went right out and defeated King Redeyes, brought 'er a puusy cat!" Of course, no one believed that one for a moment, for King Redeyes, a wildcat, commanded a mighty horde. Kip the mouse, who ran the bar, set up a challenge for anyone to outboast him. Anyone who could got a grand prize, but noone ever did.
    One day, a stoat came swaggering in, challenging Burt to a bragging contest. Burt guffawed, like this "Guffawhawhaw...choke...hack...splutter",for he had been drinking beer. The searat laughed, "Well fatto, whadya say, my tavern tommorow, what ya, scared?" Burt stood up, noone had ever called him fat before, and noone EVER called him a coward.
    "I'll be there!" The stoat winked at Kip, saying "Name's Pince, get that prize ready,mousey!" He laughed and walked out, poking Burt in his enormous gut.
    The woodlanders called him a fool for accepting the challenge of a searat. They insisted on him bringing a guide, but noone volunteered. At that moment, the burly Skipper of the Abbey Patrol, or soap, as he so fondly caaled himself, walked in and ordered a drink. Everyone turned to look at him with knowing looks on thier faces. "Ello mates, er, what're ya lookin at me for?"

    The next day found Skipper trotting along with Burt to the searat's tavern The Bloody Dragon Nail, or so Burt bragged. Skipper was quite annoyed, for Burt had to stop to rest, insisting that it was Skipper who was tired. Every time he said he was fine, fat, bragging burt would insist the otter needed a rest. Finally, two seasons later, they arrived (Burt stopped veeerrrrryy frequently) at The Bloodshed Tavern. Pince bounded out to meet them, and shoved them inside. "Come on mates, we've been waiting ages!" The tavern was filled with ugly smoke, and even uglier creatures. A fox at the back had an unusually long tongue, so when he moved his head, it flooped around. A rat held up a grimy flag and said "Ge ready, Ge shat, Brag!" and it began.
    Pince shoved Burt, who did not move at all, but teeterd for a moment, and said
    "I'm the buccaneer, who'd kill 'is mum for bread,
    Poke yer eyes an roast 'em,
    Then spittle 'em on yore head,
    Son of a mountain, babe of a sword,
    Stab yer in ya back when yer facin me,
    I could!
    The best at everything I try,
    And better when it's killin',
    You'd better watch out for me,
    Fore I'm a first class villain,
    I am!"
    Cheers and chants of "Pince, Pince, Pince!" echoed around the tavern. Burt snorted, for he dared not sniff and said "Child's play!Listen up now," and he launched into brag,
    "Caught a grayling in my teeth,
    Ate it bare and fast,
    Ny guts as big as ten of you,
    Me laddie that's a fact!
    My wifes a blossom,
    Me daughters small and fair,
    Ha Ha!
    Compare with that, I dare of you,
    Cause I am young and bold,
    Slew ten times as much as you,
    Me laddie, listen up,
    Ho Ho!"
    he vermin in the tavern started to applaud, then stopped when Pince started speaking, it had just turned to an insulting contest.
    "Yer mother was a cod fish,
    A coward and a dish,
    I'd eat ten of er for dinner,
    if it wouldn't make me sick,
    It does!
    Yer father was a butterfly,
    All nice an dressed up pretty,
    A wuss and rather foolish. dancin willy-nilly,
    A queer and a orrible drunk,
    He is stupid and silly!
    As for yore wife, and daughter,
    Theyre as stoopid as you,
    But I think Ill take your small and fair one,
    And bring her back with me,
    Ha Ha!"
    Well, you know what Burt did, he got so mad at Pince, and at the vermin laughing, he exploded, right then and there. Skipper looked around, then quietly exited out the door and trotted home, (which only took two days this time) and Pince looked around at his friends and admirers and said, "Well, do I win?"
    <img src=>

  2. #2
    Patroller t@gg :)'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Nova Scotia
    i don't write fan fics. take to much time.

    Thanks Eagle!

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