Comments for The Basement

[Fuzface]

Is it any good, or is it totatally cruddy?

[Ferahgo the Assassin]

It's definitely interesting, and off to a good start. The first post had me captivated and wanting more. Eddy's compassionate nature and desire for human contact immediately endears him to the reader, and I was eager to see how his relationship with Lenore would develop. His solitude and loneliness is very well-described and seems realistic, as is his budding friendship with the girl.

It goes downhill quickly when things go wrong, though. I think it's just that everything happens way too suddenly, and all of the things that were giving the story a lot of potential in the beginning were suddenly ripped away, so quickly and totally that it makes the first half seem pointless. I think that you were trying to achieve a very sad, kind of horrific story, but it all happens too quickly to have that kind of effect, so it just leaves the reader feeling kind of disappointed and unfulfilled.

I think you should have spent more time developing Eddy's growing understanding of human interaction and the world he lives in, learning from Lenore little by little. Those parts are definitely what I found most interesting about this story. Lenore's death was bad enough, but having Eddy die at the end is what really makes the whole thing seem pointless. If you must have Lenore die (which I don't think was a good move to begin with) so be it, but having Eddy die doesn't seem like it's really accomplishing anything. At least have him run away to the woods or something. Whatever plot points you decide to include, definitely take into account that way the ending is written is way too abrupt.

Aside from that, there were a couple of minor spelling/grammar errors: aloud should be allowed, meet should be meat, peaked should be peeked, and there are a couple of incorrect comma placements, but nothing major. Overall I found it to be rather well-written and interesting, other than the aforementioned critiques about the plot.

[Abbot Peter]

Pretty good, Fuz. Pretty good. I'd like to see more of your work.

[Safronia_Cedarwood]

Ahh. I see.

Hm.. I really like this piece. Your use of simple language metaphors how little Eddy contacted the outside. One thing, though. Try to make the paragraphs more obvious. I know it's a little thing, but visually it makes a big difference. Also, try to link some sentences together- make it compound or complex. Instead of, say, 1. She ran to the stairs. 2. Her heart was beating wildly. you could write "She ran to the stairs, her heart beating wildly." See what I mean?

I agree with Ferahgo about the plot thing. If you end the story that way we feel bitterly disappointed!

[Fuzface]

Thanks, guys, this is helpful. I've been feeling as if something was missing from this story, and have been trying to pinpoint it. But I'm generally pessimistic about my writing anyway... I'm in the process of hacking it to pieces (that means editing it). But I needed feedback first.


And I do indent and make real paragraphs, but the formating here doesn't allow it, even though the indentations were there when I copied/pasted it.